The 'Bander

to the tune of "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers

In the darkest campus basement, on a neighboring Amiga
I met an Angband veteran near level 92
He saw my human Warrior hadn't even found the Phial
And he said, "Kid, if you let me watch, I've got some tips for you."

So I read a scroll called "oxydalf," hoping for a Phase Door
It was a Summon Monster and it called a tough unique
It hit me with its weapons till I knew I couldn't take more
Knocked me down to half HP, and I was up shit creek.

The 'bander laughed his ass off as I quaffed my last Light Curing
Aimed out my last MM, went out like a light.
He gazed upon my tombstone, and then he looked me over,
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, kid, you gotta learn to play it right."

CHORUS:
You gotta know when to {hack, shoot, wail} it, *
Know when to {back, scoot, bail} it,
Know when to walk away
And know when to run.
You never count your treasure
While there's monsters still a-breathin'
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the fightin's done.

"Now, every 'bander knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to leave behind, knowin' what to take;
'Cause every game's a winner, and every game's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die of ripe old age."

And with those words of wisdom, he turned back to his console--
I watched him for a long, long time at dungeon levels deep.
And somewhere in the darkness, the 'bander, he killed Morgoth,
And lying on the floor, I found a Ring that I could keep.

CHORUS (2x)

*Use a different pair of rhyming words for each repetition of the chorus.

Lyrics copyright © 1999 by Katherine Foreman.

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